The business part of dying....

Can I tell you I do not enjoy the business part of dying! We went to the funeral home, it was o.k. and we did pick out things that we thought Mom would love, but I hate that you have to worry about money at such a time! So we have the plots for Mom and Dad, the headstone will be for both of them and I really hate that it has all my Dad's info on it except his death date....but then he said to me...."you mean you wouldn't want me to be comforted knowing that I am ready to be with my wife again and that my name is next to hers".....well, then I shut up and said well, when you say it like that it is quite beautiful and comforting. We are buying flowers and caskets, etc.. etc.. etc.. I think after this experience my father and really myself, quite frankly, will have everything spelled out and hopefully paid for ahead of time. I never realized in a million years.....how much it costs to bury someone! George my youngest brother said, "after this experience, Amber and I are starting to prepay for our funeral right now!" The neat thing is we are all working together so amazing for 6 people with 6 different opinions and 6 different degrees of testimony and gospel knowlege.......except then I have gone crazy or something on the normal things that don't matter!!!!! What is up with that?

Interestingly enough, I feel like I am not like myself at all right now and I don't like it. I have been a little selfish and have gotten angry over things that would never get angry over at the very time that I need to be the older patient big sister....I'm really quite embarrassed and I think I have added to my father's grief and that I should never do no matter what I am feeling. I sometimes feel like my younger brother and sisters are being the mature older siblings while I am having my selfish party. But I am going to make an huge effort to hold my tongue and be better.

Last night we had a sing song around the piano after all the business of planning the funeral program was done....so many memories are at the piano with our family all singing songs. It was a sweet time for all of us. When we all went home or to bed that night my dad said "It was a good day today!"

Yesterday, I went to Sonic to get at Route 44 Diet coke and I ordered 2, then I said, wait a minute I only need 1 and started to cry....the sonic guy through the intercom asked me if I was o.k? Yes, I said, I just realized I only needed one. I have a feeling there will be a lot of times like this that happen!

I am so far behind at work with the transcriptions for the Doctor for the patient's charts because of all my time off for the wedding and he was out of town this last week for 3 days and it was suppose to be my opportunity to get all caught up. But then the night before he left, my mother went into the coma and I have been at the hospital every moment that I was not at work.

Last night I was so exhausted but I had to get some of the tapes done (behind 5) so I stayed up all night and did 3, I was hoping to get 4 done....but I could not keep my eyes open and I had to take 3 -20 minute power naps just to get through it, and then my transcription machine broke....of course it did!

But at least I can take 3 tapes in today so I won't be so far behind, but I know that we are seeing patients again, so for however many I take in to the office there will be 1 more new one to add to the pile! I know such a silly thing to be blogging about.....but I'm so stressed, so tired, and acting like a child instead of a 50 yr old woman. But I'll be better tomorrow!